Donald Trump is the new President of the United States, and many in America are now contemplating the idea of migrating. I can’t blame them, but perhaps I can offer them a few ideas on where they could go.
Donald Trump photo credit: Gage Skidmore
The worst possible scenario has materialized. What seemed impossible only 24 hours ago is now a reality: Donald Trump has triumphed in the American election and will be the 45th President of the United States. Fasten your seatbelt, Planet Earth… it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Some Americans have already started to make alternative plans – the most notable of which being a move to neighboring Canada. So many people tried to access the Canadian Immigration website last night that it crashed.
I fear, however, that Canada alone might struggle to welcome millions of American asylum-seekers. Things might not get quite as apocalyptic as people are saying (though they’ll probably still be quite bad), but just in case… here are some suggestions of a few extra places (including Canada) that frightened Americans might want to consider for their next move.
Socialism doesn’t look so bad right now, does it? Cuba has great music, wonderful weather and free healthcare for all (which will come in handy when Obamacare is repealed). Commercial flights between the US and Cuba resumed a few months ago, and the island is more accessible than ever. The process of turning Cuba into the Disneyland of the Caribbean – surely a result of peace between the two countries – is inevitable… Castro may as well focus on letting the left-learning ones in.
Best for: winter birds, Bernie Sanders supporters and Obamacare beneficiaries.
Those of you who are lucky enough to make it to Canada (reports are pouring in of American refugees trying to reach the Great North by crossing the Detroit River on donkey-shaped inflatables) will find that the country has the some of the most polite people in the world, no gun violence and great quality of life… and no, not all Canucks live in igloos. Plus, the geographical proximity to the US will make it easier for the revolutionaries among you to organize the resistance and eventually plan the re-conquest of America – provided Trump doesn’t invade Canada before that, to secure the supply of fresh water to the US.
Best for: winter sports enthusiasts, liberals and American neo-revolutionaries
3. United Kingdom
Great Britain is not exactly “having a jolly” either: the Brexit vote in June plunged the country into a potentially crippling crisis. Bottom line? The Brits understand you, dear American friends… at least the 48% who voted to remain in the European Union do.
Yes, in Britain it rains a lot, the food is abysmal and people hate your accent. But there is good news… the country is run by not one, but two women (Prime Minster Theresa May and the Queen), and the once-mighty Pound is now worth very little, which means that you will be able to easily exchange your life savings at a great rate. That should be enough for you to rent a studio in Central London for a month or two.
Best for: drowning sorrows in booze and depressed Clinton voters who really wanted a woman at the White House.
Germany has come a long way since the Nazi regime raged war and killed millions across Europe, becoming one of the most inclusive and advanced societies in the world. If they recovered from Hitler, surely America can recover from Trump… or can it?
Best for: those who want to believe that life after Trump is possible.
It’s a bit cold, but there is no better place in the world to unplug and unwind… until the whole thing melts in a few years following the US failure to acknowledge climate change and take action. Come with a raft.
Best for: environmentalists and people who want to become hermits following Trump’s victory.
So long as you don’t mind the fact that all Mexicans are bad hombres, rapists and drug-dealers, you will be just fine here. The wall that Trump is going to build along the southern border of the United States (and that Mexico is going to pay for) will ensure employment opportunities for everybody – not to mention protection from those terrifying hordes of rednecks, who will soon realize they made a mistake and want out. Imagine how great it will be to stand on top of the wall and shout, “I told you so.” In Spanish.
Best for: tequila lovers and Democrats with a tough stand on deplorables migrating to Mexico once things go south.
All those Californians who voted to finally legalize the recreational use of marijuana but will have to flee before they can actually take advantage of it will need somewhere to go. Holland has legal week galore, and pretty canals. It might also be a great place for reporters who need to escape from America as President Trump, who is not a fan of critics, begins to incarcerate political opponents, Erdogan-style.
Best for: exiled journalists and potheads.
This is a great place to escape to when World War III breaks after President Trump nukes China. It’s the destination for whoever, American or not, thinks our world is soon going to implode. You will find me there.
Best for: a clean slate and perpetuating the human species